Moment of Clarity

My brother asked if I was available on Tuesday night to play chess at his club. I haven't seen him for a while, so I said yes. My rating was up to 838. Quite an improvement because I only lost one game last season. Not bad for someone that never practises!

I played another guy with the exact same rating, but lost because I had a lapse in concentration. It didn't particularly bother me, but hopefully I'll bounce back next week.

After I drove my brother home, I was heading back to my place when suddenly I realised that I felt content. It was a very welcome but unexpected feeling. I remember driving down the same road at the same time of night about a year ago with a maelstrom of dissatisfaction, anger, alienation and solitude trapped in my head.

But in the car, at that moment, I felt a fleeting glimpse of calm.

The next night, however, was a different story.

Red Hot Poker Dots!

Last night, I went down to the Semaphore Workers club to see some of the acts as part of the Semaphore Music Festival. It is an amazing venue, and it is weird that I had never been there before. Overlooking the Palais, it is right on the beach, as it once was an old sea captains house. It has had all the interior walls removed, and has two full size pool tables! So we sat around in comfy chairs in a bay window sipping our bourbon and ice, enjoying the ambience.

And there was a great band called the Red Hot Poker Dots! I'm not normally a huge fan of country music, but this band were something else. I mean just check out the photo below!

Yeeehah! 

Time capsule

Well, this week has been a really tough one. I have been thinking a lot about our breakup. I pulled out a folder containing photos, old letters, notes, shopping lists. I kept everything that Bec ever wrote me. Sad I know.

I have a note that she left on my windshield, when she parked behind me at the shops and told me to wait 5 minutes for her.

I saw a photo of us that was taken at a friends birthday party. I have never looked better or happier than when I was there with her in that photo.

I remembered a time that I would come over to her house late at night after I had finished TAFE and see a message spelled out in Scrabble Tiles to come in (We went through a board game phase). I would go inside, and see her curled up under the doona, and hear her breathing, my heart bursting with love for this amazing girl. In the morning, she would bring me peanut butter on toast whilst she was getting ready for school.

It occured to me that I'm 26, and she is 19. It's a big age difference. I am more interested in sitting at home watching Dateline. She is more interested in dancing to the classics at Timewarp (Eeeew!). She is still discovering who she is and having FUN. I know what I want (more or less) and I am probably nearly ready to start getting serious (!). (Read BORING)

I was sitting on the bed crying. I knew it was over, and I was hurting.

"Come on mate, pull yourself together", she nudged playfully trying to lighten the mood. She was going out later.

When I have read these letters and seen these photos, I KNOW that I have been loved. I am SO glad that I got to experience that. I cherish the time that we spent together.

But...

Time changes everything. Things are different now. The time capsule is sealed.

I don't know if it is best to leave it buried for ever, or, to dig it up in a few years and risk destroying everything that is precious inside.

Bangers and Mash

There is only one thing to do at a time like this.

So, in a few minutes I'm going down to the pub for bangers and mash,

Goodbye...

25 - 1 - 03
17 - 4 - 05

After spending an amount of time apart, I decided to write down all my feelings and finally say what perhaps should have been said a long time ago. I have been avoiding doing this, because I know that once it happens there is no going back. I'm not even sure that they are my feelings, or hers reflected back at me.

She sat on my bed, and I read to her.

She totally agreed with everything that I said, and I could see the relief on her face. She had wanted to say these things too, but didn't know how. I had a few questions to ask her. She answered them, and everything seemed logical.

I walked her out to her car, then she turned and looked at me. Her blue eyes never looked so big, and there was an expression on her face of happiness and relief. She was the girl I had met, but different somehow.

I took her in my arms, and it felt like our bodies had melded together. I felt the sun on my face and I savoured the warmth of her embrace, and I wept on her shoulder. She lost her cool composure for a moment, but soon regained control.

"Am I too much of a wuss?" I asked her,

"No, you're not enough of one." She replied with an evil grin.

She got into her car, and drove away with a piece of my heart, and I was left with a piece of hers.

Killing the spirit

It feels like I'm killing something.

Something that has been living and breathing for the best part of 2 years. I started off trying to starve it. It would lay in the other room in my bed, I could hear its hungry wails echoing in my mind. I wanted to feed it, but I couldn't. I knew that if I fed it, it would grow. That was what I was afraid of.

Sometimes my sanity overpowered me and I would look, and see its neglected, beautiful form. I gave it enough to keep it alive, but I would always turn my head in shameful grief.

Yesterday, as it looked at me pleadingly with deep soulful eyes, I plunged my dagger into its heart. I will always remember the silence that followed. It shall haunt me for the rest of my days.

It's pulse is still faint, and I must turn and walk away before I inflict any more pain.

So here I sit with blood on my hands, knowing that one day they will be clean. And I have already recieved a punishment which far outweighs the crime. I pray that despite my sin, I shall be able to know this spirit again.

One of my own...

My ideal girl would need to:

1. Be cute
   
2. Posess a healthy sense of humour (You don't have to be funny, but please laugh at my jokes)
3. Be lighthearted and easy going
   
4. Be open-minded and possibly a little eccentric or zany in a non-Michael Jackson way
   
5. Enjoy the finer and simpler things in life (freshly baked bread, the sun on your face)
   
6. Be loyal, tolerant and endlessly supportive
   
7. Be herself and allow me to be myself
   
8. Enjoy physical activity (Rowing, cycling, sex)
   
9. Appreciate the genius of Bruce Springsteen (optional)
10. Look good in a tight pair of jeans

Please ensure that your appliction addresses each of the selection criteria. Applications must be sent in triplicate and marked confidential. All candidates are required to pass a medical examination prior to employment.

The list

I found this on Carly's blog:

My criteria for a man

A man needs to.......
(in no particular order)

- be kind
- be committed
- be funny (In the eye of the beholder, but I have made people laugh before)
- be educated
- have a good job
- be taller than me (I don't know how tall you are, but I'm 5'7)
- be good looking
- look good in a suit
- be able to cook
- want to hold hands
- enjoy bike riding
- like snowboarding (have never been, but always willing to try)
- enjoy traveling
- have some interests different to my own
- have nice friends
- live not too far away from me
- notice if I have changed my hair colour
- compliment me sometimes
- remember to call me
- remember important dates
- make time for me
- make the first move (sometimes)
- have a nice car
- have a nice house/apartment
- not hog the bed
- be good in bed
- be able to hold a conversation with my mum
- not be too afraid of my dad
- enjoy spending time together doing nothing much
- miss me when I am away
- love me unconditionally

I have bolded in black the criteria that I think that I would posess, and highlighted in grey those which I can't answer. I think that I scored pretty well!

And now for one of my own:

Denton vs Geldof

Did anybody see the interview that Denton did with Bob Geldof a couple of nights ago? You can read the transcript here. Here's a man that knows his shit.

DENTON: Why is it, for instance, that the world will open its heart to tsunami victims but close its eyes to what's happening in Darfur? Why does that happen?

SIR BOB GELDOF: The tsunami is a particular case because, particularly for Australians, it's next door. But the main thing that happens is that you get a confusion between an act of God or an act of nature, whatever you wish to call it, and an act of man. And half the shock is that as humans, it's our hubris as humans that we believe we can control everything. The reality is we can control nothing, and the tsunami or something like that brings it home to us, and we freak out, we throw money at it in order to control it.

It's true.

Speaking of Live Aid, there are a few DVDs that will be on my Xmas list this year

1. The 25 years of Live Aid one
2. The Buzzcocks
3. The Bruce Springsteen videos
4. Any old 70s/80s compilations
   
5. I love the video from Racey's Lay Your Love on Me. Sad I know, but they should make more songs like this! It's impossible to find, so if anyone could tell me where to get it, I'll do anything, and I mean ANYTHING!
   

Wide Awake

It's 3.19 am, and I can't sleep. I had another dream about Bec. That makes three nights in a row. We were picking durian (a type of asian fruit) from the grounds of her uni housing.

I rang her last night, and left a message on her answering machine. Then I txted her.

No reply.

Ramblin' Rose

Last night I had a really bad dream. I was at this guys house that I knew in high school. He was a pretty rough sort of guy and he always hung out with even rougher guys.

Anyway, I was sitting on the sofa, and Bec was sitting on a chair right beside me. This guy and his evil friend were sitting opposite. The evil friend says something to Bec in a very insulting/accusing way. I can't even remember what it was. Immediately I felt the urge to intervene and defend her, but I was interested to see how she would react to this.

The next thing that I know, she is sitting beside my friend. They argue for a while. But it ends up turning into a tickle fight with obvious sexual overtones.

I was pretty pissed of about this, so I woke up.

It was nice when Bec and I were together because I could always shift over a bit and feel the warmth of her back pressed against me. The perfect antidote.

There is no more lonely place than waking in your bed alone at 6am in the shadows of your nightmares.

So I went back to sleep.

And Darren and I were the guitarists for the MC5.

And we rocked.

Takin' a Ride

I needed to clear my head, so I jumped in the car with a full tank to see where the wheels would take me. I ended up in Whyalla, the place where I grew up. I haven't been there for ages, and the place has changed a fair bit.

So I was driving past my old school when it occurred to me that I didn't have any of my old school photos. I went in, realising that I hadn't been in this place for over 20 years. God I feel old saying that. It turns out that my teacher was a bit of a photographer, and there is a box full of photos that she had taken that I didn't even know existed. Imagine the fun that I had looking through that box. There were puppet shows, circus excursions, concerts, Come Out parades. I remembered most of it, but to see it on film was amazing. I ended up spending $75 on copies, but I could have spent so much more!

So I present you with the class of Room 8 from Nicolson Ave Junior Primary in 1984!



That's me in the square

Click on the picture to see it better.

Sitting next to me on the left was the first girl I ever had eyes for, Patricia. She moved to Tasmania a year later. I remember playing kiss-chasey with her. I wonder where she is now?

Expression!

This is a mural that I shot in Malaysia. Cool huh.

Midlife Crisis

Have you ever been at that point in your life where you are at the crossroads? There are so many roads open to you,... and yet you know that the very act of choosing a path means that there are a million other paths that you cannot travel.

I feel like that right now.

Everyday I feel like I have to choose.

A few days after Bec and I broke up, I was feeling so bad, and yet I felt like I had done the right thing. I thought that I would be able to move on and we could still be friends.

Then she had a change of heart.

A few nights ago, she came around. We had another talk about what we wanted. She said that she had been thinking that she had made a wrong decision. That she had decided that it would be better to keep trying to make our relationship work.

It's not the relationship that's the problem though. As far as I'm concerned our relationship works great. I have never been more comfortable around any girl before. I have never felt such a connection with anybody. I don't know if I ever will.

So here we are now, and we are 'together' again. And I see her on Monday nights and she tells me about her week, and she asks me what I have been up to.

"Not much".

And I don't see her any other time. And days pass and decisions are not made.

And slowly... slowly..., everything becomes less.

here i am again

here i am again

It's me

It's me

Entering the 21st century

I now have a scanner. Hurrah!

The Fonz says Sit On It!

Last night, we went down to Jive to see a couple of bands.

Slingshot were really good. Fronted by Chris from The Numbskulls, they played their brand of guitar driven pop for over an hour. Rock me like a hurricane!

The Mantra Rays featured Anthony (who played bass in our old band), but we left shortly after to get some dodgy lebanese food.

In bed by 1am.

It's incredible how a good night out on the town with a couple of pals can rejuvenate one's outlook on life.

I Wish They All Could Be Adelaideian Girls

Now let me tell you, I've been around...

But...

Per capita, Adelaide has the most gorgeous girls of any place I've been. Yes lets face it, they don't have the individuality of Melbourne girls, or the personality of Sydney girls.

And yes, you will see more knee-high ugg boots, white belts, ra-ra skirts, hoop earrings and Britney Spears clones than anywhere else,

But one stroll down Rundle Mall on a fine sunny day will have you with a severe case of whiplash.

The Big Foist

Sorry I've been a bit slack lately with the blogging, but all I feel like doing is complaining. And I would hate to burden you, the loyal reader with my troubles. But maybe that's what blogs are for? I am the last person that ever thought I would say this, but I think it's time for a reality check.

A few posts ago, I wrote a list of things that I wanted to achieve this year. Number 1 on the list was to get out of Adelaide. But with all my debts, and not having a full time job, this will prove to be a big hurdle. I don't really want a full time job, because it will just be a reason to stay here. At the same time, by not looking for anything, I am pissing my life away waiting!

This week, after a few weeks of getting one day a week at work, they finally decided to give me four days. I am needing the extra money, but it comes at a price. The negative energy in this place is unbelievable.

The result?

After just three days of work, I am totally spent. I don't just mean physically tired, but it has affected my personality. I feel like any enthusiasm I may have had has been sucked from my body. That my friends is not a nice feeling.

It's not just this job though. With each job that I have had so far, the management has expected more and more. Just as I think that conditions cannot get any worse, I am astounded with the new depths to which they sink to save a buck. Retail sucks. Surely it can't get worse???

I had a talk with Bec about this over the phone on Wednesday night, and she told me that I should quit. I am a bit reluctant to do this because I don't have another job to go to. I have since decided to only be available weekends. That's about all that I can stomach at the moment.

It just means waiting a little longer to leave....[sigh]...