Time capsule
Well, this week has been a really tough one. I have been thinking a lot about our breakup. I pulled out a folder containing photos, old letters, notes, shopping lists. I kept everything that Bec ever wrote me. Sad I know.
I have a note that she left on my windshield, when she parked behind me at the shops and told me to wait 5 minutes for her.
I saw a photo of us that was taken at a friends birthday party. I have never looked better or happier than when I was there with her in that photo.
I remembered a time that I would come over to her house late at night after I had finished TAFE and see a message spelled out in Scrabble Tiles to come in (We went through a board game phase). I would go inside, and see her curled up under the doona, and hear her breathing, my heart bursting with love for this amazing girl. In the morning, she would bring me peanut butter on toast whilst she was getting ready for school.
It occured to me that I'm 26, and she is 19. It's a big age difference. I am more interested in sitting at home watching Dateline. She is more interested in dancing to the classics at Timewarp (Eeeew!). She is still discovering who she is and having FUN. I know what I want (more or less) and I am probably nearly ready to start getting serious (!). (Read BORING)
I was sitting on the bed crying. I knew it was over, and I was hurting.
"Come on mate, pull yourself together", she nudged playfully trying to lighten the mood. She was going out later.
When I have read these letters and seen these photos, I KNOW that I have been loved. I am SO glad that I got to experience that. I cherish the time that we spent together.
But...
Time changes everything. Things are different now. The time capsule is sealed.
I don't know if it is best to leave it buried for ever, or, to dig it up in a few years and risk destroying everything that is precious inside.
I have a note that she left on my windshield, when she parked behind me at the shops and told me to wait 5 minutes for her.
I saw a photo of us that was taken at a friends birthday party. I have never looked better or happier than when I was there with her in that photo.
I remembered a time that I would come over to her house late at night after I had finished TAFE and see a message spelled out in Scrabble Tiles to come in (We went through a board game phase). I would go inside, and see her curled up under the doona, and hear her breathing, my heart bursting with love for this amazing girl. In the morning, she would bring me peanut butter on toast whilst she was getting ready for school.
It occured to me that I'm 26, and she is 19. It's a big age difference. I am more interested in sitting at home watching Dateline. She is more interested in dancing to the classics at Timewarp (Eeeew!). She is still discovering who she is and having FUN. I know what I want (more or less) and I am probably nearly ready to start getting serious (!). (Read BORING)
I was sitting on the bed crying. I knew it was over, and I was hurting.
"Come on mate, pull yourself together", she nudged playfully trying to lighten the mood. She was going out later.
When I have read these letters and seen these photos, I KNOW that I have been loved. I am SO glad that I got to experience that. I cherish the time that we spent together.
But...
Time changes everything. Things are different now. The time capsule is sealed.
I don't know if it is best to leave it buried for ever, or, to dig it up in a few years and risk destroying everything that is precious inside.
posted by Adrian at 6:43 pm
3 Comments:
Hi, I'm Nema. I know we haven't met before, but I just came across your blog. Something about it really struck me. The honesty, perhaps. I can identify with so much of what you've written.
I'm familiar with the pain of a break-up, the on-again off-again on-again off-again pattern, the vacillating back and forth between whether it's the right thing for us or not.
I once made a time capsule of sorts. I put away everything that reminded me of him, but I couldn't bear to throw any of it out. Everything from his toothbrush, to the electric bill from our apartment together, and a whole lot in between.
I have decided that this box of memories can serve as a useful tool. I would know when I was finally over him when I could throw the stupid box and all of its contents away without regret. (Or maybe without *much* regret.) For a while that box felt like the most precious possession I owned. After a while it began to feel less important to me. It's still not to the point where I could throw it away and not regret it. I won't tell you how long it has been, it's too depressing.
However, there has been progress. I could maybe open it up and throw most of it away. For instance, I don't think I need the book of matches that I got from a restaurant where we ate together. I probably don't need the electric bill. I might even throw away the candle from our bedroom. I would keep the notes and photos, still.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. What you're feeling is normal. It WILL get better. Someday. It might take a long time. Hang in there.
Thanks Nema!
Very sweet of you to write. Writing is a therapeutic release for me, but it's nice to have reached you in some way. I know that this sort of thing happens all the time, and yeah, I know it will take me a while to get over it.
I have linked to you, so hope you keep reading...
Hey Adrian,
Thinking time capsule, It's a good idea to put all things inside a box of sorts and once a year or so look back and ab able to remember the god times. Love it for what it was, and love it for what you want in the future for yourself.
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